His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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