Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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