He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
