im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
