the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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