I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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