I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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