I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
