she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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