It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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