I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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