I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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