well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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