well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
