So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
