just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My feet surprised me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
