Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
