I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
