Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
