she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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