I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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