I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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