Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
