she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
