Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please don't give away my fajitas