Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
