smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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