i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
