I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
