I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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