How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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