Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
