I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
