Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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