Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize