I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
