You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
