Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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