Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
