Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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