I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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