I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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