i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize
