I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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