How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
