umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
