there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
