there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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