Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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