where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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