he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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