Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
