Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.