You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.