well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
